A handful of thoughts

As I wonder and wait
Do you really see me for me?
Or is it for the things I pretend to be
I yearn for your acceptance
Anxiously anticipating that fateful day when our eyes are finally on the same level
When I can say, without thinking twice, the boasting desires of my heart
But yet, I fear for I know you yourself are surely established
And I would then become the bad guy if I even tried to rip out the very foundation of your heart and soul
This all leaving me between a rock and a hard place
They always say to follow your heart and wear it on my sleeve
But how can I when time after time it is rejected in very subtle yet powerful ways
I know you don’t intentionally do these things, for you do not know
Maybe if I could get past my selfishness and mutter out something, you could then see my heart

But no! Time after time and day by day, I sit and allow you to look right through me, instead of finally doing something that could bring this all to an end.
Maybe I need to tell you how I feel, so I can know for sure if these feelings are real, or that of a fairytale
Will I ever know? This seemingly simple to answer question, is the very thing that haunts me
Will I ever know? Hmmm… Most likely not, for I can’t find the correct wordplay that would even hold your interest
But I will find a way to look past all this, and go on with my life.
In years to come, my name and few memories your mind has held of me will fade
And it won’t matter anymore

By Russell Banks